I Need to Vent

have you ever had those moments when you think your parents don't understand you? Of course you have, hasn't everyone i guess? well, lately i've been having those moments except in a way that i've never experienced. my parents have no clue as to how much discomfort i'm experiencing. i feel like they're treating my situation like i'll be back to normal in no time! but i won't. it's going to take years maybe for me to be comfortable with my new body structure. i feel like they're pushing me to heal when i'd just like them to let nature take it's course. i mean, DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT I'VE HAD MUSCLES TORN APART AND NERVES SEVERED?! I went to church today because i really wanted to get out of the house and it was JC's Farewell, but it was one of the most difficult things i've had to do since getting out of the hospital. i was confined to an uncomfortable bench and i had to sit for an hour. it was so hard for me to do and i ended up coming home crying because i realized that it's not going to be as easy as i thought it would. in 6 weeks i have to go back to school and i just know that it's not going to be the same as it has been in years past. how am i going to sit in an even more uncomfortable desk for 6 hours with only 5 minutes of walking time between periods? then my dad suggested we go to the office and ask if they could get me a "special chair" A SPECIAL CHAIR?! WHY DON'T WE JUST WRITE RETARD ACROSS MY FOREHEAD?! but now my mom wants me to go to this fireside tonight and even though i really want to go i just can't handle 2 uncomfortalbe situations in a day. i know that it'd be good for me and it's part of the recovery process, but i just wish they'd give me a break! if i'm not feeling up to going then i'm not feeling up to going. end of story! i really want to go, it's just that i can't physically strain myself anymore today. i've reached the limit! but they don't understand that. my mom keeps saying "oh, you'll be fine." HOW DOES SHE KNOW? SHE DOESN'T HAVE MY BODY! SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE KIND OF DISCOMFORTS I EXPERIENCE EVERYDAY! oh and to top this whole "my parents don't understand what i'm going through and they're pushing me too hard" rant, i discovered last night that for the past 3 weeks they've been secretly cutting my medicine dossages in HALF!! they seriously started cutting it in half only a week after i'd gotten out of the hospital! i understand that my dad is a police officer and that he knows how highly addictive my medication can be, but could they all just LAY OFF?? give me some time to breathe for a second??

Today has just been a really sucky day and i feel like when i'm having those kinds of days, my parents are supposed to be their for me but instead they're part of the reason my day is sucking.

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

so if anyone (besides Austin Nichols) had given me a recommendation of this book i wouldn't have even thought about reading it because the words "idealism, objectivism, and architecture" just aren't interests of mine, but because Austin Nichols did give a description of The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand i just had to trust his beautiful self and dive into this 700+ page book! so far i must say that i've been completely surprised as to how intrigued i've been by the characters and the storyline. i just might go as far to say that "Howard Roark is the most complex and compelling character i've ever been introduced to by a writer!!" I LOVE THIS BOOK!! i may only have read 60 out of 700 pages so far, but i've been glued to every single one of them!! and believe it or not, Ayn Rand's theories about idealism and objectivism aren't as difficult to understand as i thought they'd be. one of my favorite quotes from Howard Roark (an aspiring architect) is when he describes the way he views the world around him and how he wants to change it through architecture and mold it into something beautiful, but his professors keep telling him that there are rules and traditions that must be followed when designing a building. Howard Roark's reply is:

"Here are my rules: what can be done with one substance must never be done with another. No two materials are alike. No two sites on earth are alike. No two buildings have the same purpose. The purpose, the site, the materials determine the shape. Nothing can be reasonable or beautiful unless it's made by one central idea, and the idea sets every detail..."

A Fine Mess

there have only been a few albums i've heard in my lifetime that have come along and made me think "this artist must have been inspired to write this to help me" Kate Voegele's newest album "A Fine Mess" is now one of them! it seems like each week another one of her songs applies to my life. i've already posted the lyrics to 2 of her songs on my blog this past month! and the great thing about "A Fine Mess" is that every song is AMAZING!! i'm seriously bummed that my surgery got bumped up to June 3 and that i missed going to see her in concert because this album has helped me through so much this summer and i've still got 2 months to discover what other songs off of the album are going to impact me. EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS ALBUM AND THIS ARTIST BECAUSE SHE MAKES IT WORTH IT!!

Late Nights w/ my Best Friend...what could be better?

last night i hung out with andrea. our original plan was to hang out with whitney too, but she works at barros and they had a busy night so she couldn't come. we were all really excited because we wanted to watch both of the Narnia movies together, which is something that we've been wanting to do for 2 years! ever since that year at girls camp when we acted like complete spases and went crazy for Narnia and Terebithia. if you haven't heard either of those stories...i'll tell ya later. anyway, so since whitney couldn't come we just felt like it wouldn't be right to watch Narnia without her. instead we watched one of my all time favorite movies The Wedding Planner!! I hadn't watched it in a long time and once we turned it on i didn't realize how much i'd watched it in the past. i seriously knew this thing WORD-FOR-WORD! and it wasn't like it'd gotten old. i still laughed at the statues scene. oh geez... and me and andrea still laughed our heads off when Mossimo said "Buddy,Buddy!"

here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie!!

Mary: You smell like sweet red plums and grilled chesse sandwiches.

Mary: [after picking up the statue, looks to the ground] You castrated him!

Penny: Oh no, darnit... I just remembered that I promised my friend's brother's godmother that I would help her change her fax cartridge because she's going out of town tomorrow... on and African safari.

Steve: Why you only eating the brown ones?
Mary: Because someone once said they have less artificial colouring because chocolate's already brown. And it kind of stayed with me.
Steve: You kind of stayed with me.

Massimo: Mary, I know I never done the right thing, say the right thing. I know I act like a fool. I know say we'd be buddy-buddy friends, but that would not be true to my heart so I'll ask this one question, and if you answer "no" I'll leave you alone once and for all. Be my wife, Mary Fiore. If you answer yes I'll take care of you, be true to you, and like this house I built for your dolls, I'll make sure you have a strong roof over your head. If you answer yes than no one will love you as much as I love you. If you answer yes than you will make me the happiest man on earth.

Massimo: Love cant always be perfect. Love is just love

Mary: oh my god!! im paralyzed! im paralyzed!
Little Kid: if your moving your legs and your arms, your CLEARLY not paralyzed

8 Cosas Sobre Mi

8 favorite tv shows
smallville
gilmore girls
glee
grey's anatomy
one tree hill
psych
the office
dawson's creek
8 things i did yesterday
woke up in pain
took my drugs in peach yogurt since i can't swallow pills
layed on the couch and watched the cmt awards
got on facebook
started writing my book report on The Secret Life Of Bees
listened to music
fell asleep and had a dream that my boyfriend was that bad boy on iCarly and the guitar player on Hannah Montana. (it was a good dream to say the least)
took my ground up pills in peach yogurt AGAIN
8 favorite restaurants
mi amigos
panda express
my big fat greek restaurant
chillis
outback
olive garden
los gringos locos
feed bag (hahaha. jk. just the name of that restaurant makes me want to barf)
8 things i am looking forward to
late night tonight with andrea and whitney! we're gonna watch both of the Narnia movies while screaming "TO NARNIA! FOR ASLAN!" hahaha. inside joke.
going swimming (the doctor said i can in two weeks!)
fully recovering
the next fresa party with kazhia, kylee, nikki, and kelsey
one tree hill season 7!
grey's anatomy season 6!
psych season 4!
the phoenix suns 2009-2010 season! hopefully we make the playoffs this time!
8 things on my wish list
car
clothes
laptop
itunes cards
cute bathing suit that hides my nasty incision soon to be scar
clothes
itunes cards
car insurance
a job
8 people i tag
andrea
regina
kazhia
kylee
haylee
kortni
chaille (yeah right. lol.)
laura

what i've been watching

since i currently don't have a life, i've been glued to the tv and my ipod watching movies and tv shows. here's the stuff that i've become addicted too while i was cooped up in the hospital and now at home...

#1. GLEE

this is honestly the greatest show of the summer!! but the only lame part is that they aired the first episode in may and i have to wait all summer for them to air the next episode in the fall! what the heck??!! it's so dumb! the show is basically about a glee club (show choir) that's formed by a bunch of random students in high school (a jock, a diva, a gay fashion guru, a wheelchair nerd, a goth/punk rock girl, and an obsessive broadway driven girl). the show is HILARIOUS and similar to high school musical, but WAAAAAYY better! and i think that the guy who plays the jock is a lot hotter than zac efron. and they all have better voices than the cast of high school musical. i think that everyone should watch this show because it's AWESOME! and i'm already obsessed with it :)


#2. Get Smart

our family rented this movie to watch once i'd gotten out of the hospital and since then we've rented it a second time and watched it a million times! this movie is so hilarious and i don't think i've seen my dad laugh as hard and as constantly as he did when we watched this movie. it's definitely one of my all time favorites now.

#3. The Office

i've always loved this show and lately i've been watching it on the laptop from hulu.com and my family keeps looking at me weird when i randomly start laughing. my favorite episode so far has been the casual friday one and the one when jim has dwight saying "idiot" over and over as his ringtone. lol.

#4. The Secret Life of Bees

i first saw this movie when i rented it off of itunes and watched it on my ipod and i loved it!! i had my dad rent it and i watched it in the hospital too. it was so sad, but so good. it's another one of my favorite movies. because i liked it so much i decided to read the book for one of my summer book reports. i just finished the book yesterday and i liked the book even more than the movie! there were a lot of things that they left out of the movie or changed, but for the most part it stayed true to the book. if anyone has seen the movie and liked it then you should definitely read the book!

#5. Just Friends

a while back i read on kylee's blog that she loved this movie and she kept saying how funny it was and how she'd watched it so much that she'd basically memorized it and it never got old to watch. so i took her advice and watched the movie this week and i could not stop laughing!! it's probably one of the funniest movies i've ever seen!! plus ryan reynolds is like the hottest man alive! thanks for introducing me to this hilarious movie, ky! it really lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face even if i was in pain or not :)

albums that saved my life

when i was in the hospital, music was one of the major things that comforted me and helped keep me going. here's some of the albums/songs that i listened to that helped me get through my rough stay in the hospital. i know it sounds dumb to say that they saved my life because i wasn't at that much of a risk of dying, but they did keep me sane which was definitely a lifesaver :)

#1. Artist: La Rocca
Album(s): Ok Okay & The Truth

Songs: Roadway Hymn (i listened to this on my morning drive to the hospital before my surgery and it helped keep me focussed on something other than the fact i was going under the knife that day)
Ballad of Arizona ( i love this song so much that i can't help but sing along to the lyrics either in my head or out loud. so this song definitely helped to keep my mind off of the pain)
Songs:Non-Believer, Capital Pill, Some You Give Away, Goodnight

#2. Artist: Dashboard Confessional
Album: A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar

Songs: Several Ways to Die Trying, Hands Down, Ghost of a Good Thing, Am I Missing

#3. Artist: Jack's Mannequin
Album: The Glass Passenger Songs: The Resolution, Swim, Orphans, Spinning

#4. Artist: Low vs. Diamond
Album: Low vs. Diamond
Songs: Heart Attack, Annie, This Is Your Life, Killer B, I'll Be
#5. Artist: The Cure
Album: Disintegration

Songs: Picture of You, Same Deep Water As You, Love Song, Prayers For Rain

#6. Artist: Greg Laswell
Album: How The Day Sounds

Song: Off I Go

#7. Artist: Barcelona
Album: absolutes

Song: Falling Out of Trees

#8. Artist: Rosi Golan
Album: The Drifter & The Gypsy

Songs: Come Around, Think Of Me, Been a Long Day

My Guardian Angel(s)

so the night before my surgery i had the wonderful opportunity to see my crazy girls: kylee, kazhia, and nikki (who had a very awkward hug with me. lol.). not only were they sweet enough to bring me a cup of our ever so delicious Fresa, but kylee let me borrow her guardian angel trinket (which btw i will return and i havent' lost it!) that night i recieved a priesthood blessing from my daddy and grandpa and one of the things that was mentioned was that i wouldn't experience a ton of pain, which was one of my BIGGEST worries.

the day of my surgery i spent the car ride looking out the window and listening to Dashboard Confessional because Chris Carrabba's voice can always calm me down. not only were my earbuds glued to my head, but that guardian angel trinket was clenched in my sweaty hand (i've washed it since! so don't worry, ky!) anyway... i felt like even though it was some small piece of plastic in some way was the only thing that understood the kinds of emotions i was feeling that morning. i was terrified. but i didn't show it. i kept telling my parents i was fine.

but i wasn't.

there were so many tears built up inside of me and as the surgery got closer the hold i once had on those tears loosened and i began to lose it!! it wasn't until my anesthetiologist told me that he would treat me like he would his own daughter that i began to feel a whole lot better.

my only disappointment was that i didn't get to experience the whole "movie scene" kind of thing when they put you out. honestly, the last thing i remember was that he gave me the stuff through a needle and i started laughing AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHY!! lol. i just couldn't stop laughing. and that was the last i remembered. but apparently i was still awake when they wheeled me to the OR. and i guess i told my parents i loved them. but i don't remember it!! WEIRD!! then i remember waking up and everything was really blurry. i knew that my mom and dad were there and that a nurse was there and one of the first things i asked for was that dang guardian angel. i kept telling my mom that "it helps me" and she told me "tobie, you've got plenty of guardian angels watching over you." that's when i realized that although it was VERY helpful, i didn't need that piece of plastic to feel like i had a guardian angel because i'd had tons all along. MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY, MY WARD, MY HEAVENLY FATHER, AND MY SAVIOR.

Everyone that had prayed and fasted for me were my guardian angels.

He's Just Talkin' Smooth

how many times have you used that line?
did you replace the last two dozen names with mine?
is ‘I love you baby’ second nature by now?
cause it sounds awful rehearsed
when the words leave your mouth

I don’t know why but it seems
that I’m not the first to have heard this speech
is this a routine you just repeat?
cause I don’t mean to presume
that you don’t love me like you say you do but
you’re gonna have to prove that you’re true
and you’re not just talkin’ smooth

your performance deserves an academy award
and it’s a double edged sword cause I sure feel adored

but just between us i’d rather see you slip up
don’t you know that it’s those
less than perfect words I can’t get enough of
maybe I’m outta my head
but i’m telling you baby that I’ve been misled
so if the record’s off well could you get it set?
I don’t mean to presume
that you don’t love me like you say you do but
you’re gonna have to prove that you’re true
and you’re not just talkin’ smooth

well you’ve proven your charm is a crime
oh and ooooh why don’t you see
the harm in relying on this disguise
you’re losing me with every little wink of the eye

the end of my rope is slipping out of my hold
so if you’re clever you’d better do some damage control

I don’t know why but it seems
you’ve made a game of making a fool outta me
and I did not sign up to be
your tongue-in-cheek, hey oh yeah
I don’t mean to presume
that you don’t love me like you say you do but
you’re gonna have to prove that you’re true
and you’re not just talkin’ smooth
oh can you prove you’re not just talkin’ smooth
-Kate Voegele

*so back to this guy. before my surgery he told me he'd be there for me. he told me he'd visit me in the hospital and that he would take care of me when i needed him. WELL WHAT A LOAD OF BS!! i haven't gotten a single call, visit,facebook message, letter, or freakin POST IT NOTE from this guy!! i'm done with him! it was all a lie. he doesn't care about me. he's too busy having a fun summer to stop by or even talk to me, but he doesn't have a problem talking to my friends! he texted andrea once to see how i was doing...ONCE! and it wasn't even me he was asking! i was thinking about him last night while blasting every sad song on my ipod and then my cell phone rang (it was 11:24 at night!) and i looked at the caller id to see who it was and it was HIM. so as i was sitting there wondering whether or not to answer it, it went straight to MISSED CALL...HE HUNG UP BEFORE IT GOT TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE!! i knew that if anything he was just calling to rub it in my face that his precious Lakers won the championship this year (which would have made me want to scream at him like crazy!)

...am i being unreasonable?
i just feel used.
like he's all talk and nothing else but a pretty face
how many other girls has he said the same stuff he tells me?

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

tomorrow morning is the day of my surgery.

everything that's led up to this day:
that first discovery in 5th grade
the fitting appointments for my back brace
20 hours a day for 2 1/2 years of wearing the back brace
all the countless x-rays
all the needles poking me for blood
the tour of the hospital
all the fasting and praying
the lab work

it's all led up to tomorrow morning.

everyone keeps telling me "you're so brave!" but i honestly don't feel very courageous or noble, i feel like a dumb little girl who's never had ANY surgery experience in her life and is completely unaware of what's going to happen. sometimes i feel like i'm going to be the kind of patient that pushes through the pain and amazes the doctors and other times i feel like i'm going to be the kind of patient that cries everytime they move me or complains everytime they want me to stand up. i'm hoping that i end up like the first patient, but who knows how well i'll handle the pain (i am a wimp after all).

last night for family home evening, we went over to the anderson's house because sis. anderson has a sis-in-law that had the same surgery i'm going to have when she was 20 years old and ENGAGED!! isn't that crazy!! she said that at one point she fell into depression and that she always needed a security blanket. she said that she was admittely a "chicken" and didn't venture outside and do fun things for a long time. part of me hopes that i don't end up like that because that's not how others see me, but i know that there is a chance that my "lazy and weak" side could shine through and i might not want to do the same things that i do now. when she realized that i start school in 2 months she made it seem like that would be difficult and that i shouldn't push myself to do things if i'm not ready. that was something i'd never even considered before. i'd just assumed that i'd be ready for school, 2 months after the surgery, but "who knows?" that scares me too. i really want to have a fun-filled junior year!! but this surgery might change that.

AFTER WEDNESDAY, I AM GOING TO BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON:PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY.

i sure hope that the new Tobie is even stronger and greater than the old Tobie :)

thank you to everyone that has kept me in their prayers and has fasted for me! i truly appreciate it.

as soon as i begin to feel up to it, i'll be updating everyone on facebook and on my blog while i'm recovering in the hospital. i'll also let everyone know when i'm ready to have visitors. if you want to know how i'm doing immediatly after the surgery, you can call Andrea.
Till we meet again,
The Old Tobie