I Think I Can, I Think I Can

tomorrow morning is the day of my surgery.

everything that's led up to this day:
that first discovery in 5th grade
the fitting appointments for my back brace
20 hours a day for 2 1/2 years of wearing the back brace
all the countless x-rays
all the needles poking me for blood
the tour of the hospital
all the fasting and praying
the lab work

it's all led up to tomorrow morning.

everyone keeps telling me "you're so brave!" but i honestly don't feel very courageous or noble, i feel like a dumb little girl who's never had ANY surgery experience in her life and is completely unaware of what's going to happen. sometimes i feel like i'm going to be the kind of patient that pushes through the pain and amazes the doctors and other times i feel like i'm going to be the kind of patient that cries everytime they move me or complains everytime they want me to stand up. i'm hoping that i end up like the first patient, but who knows how well i'll handle the pain (i am a wimp after all).

last night for family home evening, we went over to the anderson's house because sis. anderson has a sis-in-law that had the same surgery i'm going to have when she was 20 years old and ENGAGED!! isn't that crazy!! she said that at one point she fell into depression and that she always needed a security blanket. she said that she was admittely a "chicken" and didn't venture outside and do fun things for a long time. part of me hopes that i don't end up like that because that's not how others see me, but i know that there is a chance that my "lazy and weak" side could shine through and i might not want to do the same things that i do now. when she realized that i start school in 2 months she made it seem like that would be difficult and that i shouldn't push myself to do things if i'm not ready. that was something i'd never even considered before. i'd just assumed that i'd be ready for school, 2 months after the surgery, but "who knows?" that scares me too. i really want to have a fun-filled junior year!! but this surgery might change that.

AFTER WEDNESDAY, I AM GOING TO BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON:PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY.

i sure hope that the new Tobie is even stronger and greater than the old Tobie :)

thank you to everyone that has kept me in their prayers and has fasted for me! i truly appreciate it.

as soon as i begin to feel up to it, i'll be updating everyone on facebook and on my blog while i'm recovering in the hospital. i'll also let everyone know when i'm ready to have visitors. if you want to know how i'm doing immediatly after the surgery, you can call Andrea.
Till we meet again,
The Old Tobie